


the yogurt for yusuke, the yogurt chosen specially to kill yusuke, yusuke's yogurt

by etoilette



Series: AU-gust 2020 [4]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: Alternate Universe - Angels & Demons, Crack, Gen, Humor, Shoulder demon, shoulder angel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:34:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25721389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/etoilette/pseuds/etoilette
Summary: “Yusuke, do not listen to Goro. He’s trying to get you killed.” He pointedly ignores Goro’s indignant “I am NOT” and continues, “You cannot go home and eat that yogurt. You will probably die. Go back and eat those weeds.”ORGoro is a shoulder angel. Akira is a shoulder demon. They work together to keep Kitagawa Yusuke alive and healthy. Unfortunately, Akira finds himself the owner of the sole brain cell between the three of them.
Relationships: Akechi Goro & Kitagawa Yusuke, Akechi Goro & Kurusu Akira, Akechi Goro & Persona 5 Protagonist, Kitagawa Yusuke & Kurusu Akira, Kitagawa Yusuke & Persona 5 Protagonist
Series: AU-gust 2020 [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1860436
Comments: 10
Kudos: 133





	the yogurt for yusuke, the yogurt chosen specially to kill yusuke, yusuke's yogurt

**Author's Note:**

> I realized that since I focused on demon stuff in day 1, I shouldn't do something too focused on that as well for this. So big thank you to Blazhy for helping me with the shoulder angel & demon idea instead! I really think there's something wrong with my AUs for AU-gust. I get the strong impression that I'm not supposed to be filling these prompts like this.
> 
> This is for Day #4 of AU-gust: Angels & Demons!

Akira watches from his perch on Kitagawa Yusuke’s shoulder as the lanky teen bends down to observe a particularly green and luscious patch of weeds on the side of the road. It’s been, by his calculations, almost eight hours since Yusuke’s last meal (a breakfast of plain congee) and Yusuke’s stomach had been growling nonstop for the past two. 

It’s just his luck that he’s assigned to perhaps the one human in all of Tokyo with less self-preservation than...well, he can’t really think of anything. So he supposes it’s just his luck that he has to help make the "bad" decisions for someone who would probably run into traffic just because he saw a beautiful tree on the other side of the road.

The weeds do look good though, and Akira has heard stories of people in dire financial straits collecting roadside weeds and eating them with mayonnaise like a sort of salad. No one in their right mind would spray pesticides on weeds on the road too, so it’s more organic than anything Yusuke could buy at the supermarket.

Unfortunately, Yusuke doesn’t even have enough money to buy mayonnaise, but on the flip side, that just means he can satisfy his hunger right here and now.

“Eat it,” Akira whispers into Yusuke’s ear. “Eat the weeds.”

“No!” 

Akira rolls his eyes at the sharp and _loud_ voice on the other side of the human. He doesn’t even need to look to know that Goro is on Yusuke’s other shoulder, shouting his command into the human’s ear. 

“You’re hungry now,” he says instead of berating Goro for trying to starve their human to death. “Eat the weeds. Don’t they look yummy and crunchy? It’ll be a little bitter but think of how healthy it’ll be. It’ll give you enough energy to finish that painting you’ve been stuck on.”

“Don’t eat the weeds,” he hears Goro say. “You’ll get sick. Who knows if a dog has peed on it?”

“If a dog pees on it, that’ll just be dressing for your salad.”

“You’ll get sick if you eat the weeds and then you won’t get to finish the painting. Do not eat it. You have food at home. Go home and eat the food. It’ll only take you five minutes to walk home from here.”

“What food?” 

Akira doesn’t direct his question into Yusuke’s ear. Instead, he leans back so he can glare at Goro from behind Yusuke’s head. The angel on Yusuke’s shoulder doesn’t even give Akira the time of day, continuing to whisper his terrible advice into Yusuke’s ear. To Akira’s frustration, Yusuke is already slowly walking away, but there is a deep look of conflict on his gaunt face.

Yet again, Akira has lost. He hops off his perch on Yusuke and, using his black bat-like wings, he flits off to Yusuke’s other shoulder, jostling at Goro’s arm with his own to force his partner to make some room for him. 

“Hey! Stay off this shoulder. This is my shoulder!” Goro yells, but he is already shifting over. 

“What food were you talking about?” Akira asks once he’s settled in comfortably. It’s a tight fit - Yusuke is a very skinny human and neither Goro nor Akira are very small - but they make do. Luckily, Goro and Akira can both retract their wings to make some extra space. 

Goro blinks at him, his eyes wide and confused. “Don’t you remember? Yusuke has some yogurt left from breakfast. He didn’t finish it after eating the congee because then he would’ve been late for school.”

Ah yes, Akira does remember that. It was a rare treat - a small cup of orange yogurt - that Yusuke bought himself the day previous from the small local supermarket as a reward for acing a math test he had crammed for. Akira remembers egging him on to buy it, while Goro tried to convince him to save the money for something better in the future. 

Akira, of course, won that decision, and he had been pleased about it until that morning, when Yusuke had pulled it out and then forgotten to put it back into the fridge as he darted out of the door to make his train. 

“Did Yusuke put it back in the fridge?” Akira asks, because maybe he missed him doing so. An unlikely thing, considering how Akira is stuck to Yusuke all around the clock for his job as his shoulder demon, but even demons aren’t perfect.

Goro puts his hand to his chin as he thinks back to that morning. After a minute or two, he shakes his head. “No, I don’t think so.”

Oh no.

Akira shoves himself off of the shoulder, ignoring Goro’s indignant “Hey!” when that action almost pushed him into Yusuke’s ear. He flies to his usual side and shouts into Yusuke’s ear as loudly as he can, “Go back to the weeds! Go back to the weeds, Yusuke!”

Yusuke stops in the middle of crossing the street with ten seconds left on the green light. 

“Finish crossing the street first,” he hears Goro say in resignation. 

Yusuke walks safely to the other side and Akira breathes a sigh of relief before he goes back to work yelling frantically into Yusuke’s ear.

“Yusuke, do _not_ listen to Goro. He’s trying to get you killed.” He pointedly ignores Goro’s indignant “I am NOT” and continues, “You can _not_ go home and eat that yogurt. You will probably die. Go back and eat those weeds.”

But Yusuke is adamant. To make sure humans didn’t stand around idly all day while a shoulder angel and shoulder demon argue and debate, it’s a rule that once a decision has been accepted, the human will stick to that action without listening to interference of the loser. It’s not usually a problem, but when you’re partnered with lifestyle idiot Akechi Goro, Akira thinks he might go bald from the stress of trying to keep his human alive and healthy.

He watches helplessly as Yusuke walks into his small and unkempt room. Half-finished sketches and art supplies make the entire place one large tripping hazard but Yusuke navigates it easily. The opened but uneaten yogurt sits innocently on the table and Akira can already see Yusuke salivate at the idea of eating something after a whole day without.

But Yusuke immediately freezes when he sees a familiar little black animal emerge from under the lid. 

“No!” he bellows in abject horror and he runs towards the dining table, scattering papers with every step he takes. He peels back the lid and freezes. Goro and Akira can’t help but gasp at the sight.

The yogurt, once an enticing mirage of white and orange, now looks like a poor man’s abstract art. White, orange, blue, green, and brown swirl in the small carton, with black squirming specks in it as ants crawl in and out in search for food. Yusuke falls to his hands and knees as he lets out a primal scream of despair, ignorant of the angry pounding on the walls from his neighbours.

“You should have eaten the weeds!” Akira moans.

“It’s fine,” Goro snaps. “Stop whining, both of you. You can just eat around it.”

Akira can hardly believe what he’s hearing. He can also hardly believe Yusuke’s scream stopping on a dime like a powered down robot. With his head still hanging low, Yusuke pushes himself to his feet and mechanically approaches the table. His hands are trembling as he reaches out to pick up the yogurt and the spoon.

“No!” Akira yells. “No, do not! You cannot eat around mould in a yogurt!”

How did Lavenza find this angel? What did Akira _do_ to her that she would foist this fool onto him? He wants to shake their superior with all his strength, but he also enjoys having all of his organs safely inside of his body.

“There are ants, but…” Yusuke says softly. He gulps. He is so terribly hungry and he’s a growing boy, in the middle of a growth spurt. He is so weak that he is faint. Would it really be so bad to let him eat this, just this once?

No! He shakes his head angrily. No, he can’t let that fluffy good-looking idiot kill their charge. Someone needs to be the responsible one here and it’s desperately clear that it’s going to have to be him. 

“Ants are full of protein. They’re good for you. You’ll be able to feel more full if you eat the ants too, since you won’t be getting the entire cup of yogurt,” Goro is saying and Akira jerks in horror at the realization. Goro had been poisoning Yusuke’s mind the entire time he was having his miniature breakdown.

Yusuke is already moving. Yusuke is already pushing his spoon into the yogurt to find the parts that are still white. Ants are moving up the spoon, their little legs propelling them forward.

It’s too late. Akira messed up. 

“Stop!” He yells as loud as he can. “Stop! Stop! Go back to the weeds! Go back and find the weeds!”

But the decision is locked in. He watches with tears in his eyes as Yusuke eats three spoonfuls before he clasps his hand to his mouth and rushes away to the bathroom. To preserve the privacy and dignity of their human, shoulder angels and demons usually wait outside, and this time is no different. They hop off and hover in the air, their little wings beating to keep themselves afloat, watching as Yusuke slams the door shut.

Within seconds, they hear the sounds of water running and gagging as Yusuke presumably washes out his mouth.

“I don’t understand why he doesn’t like it,” Goro sighs. “I’ve read of cultures where they eat ants, as well as cultures where they eat mouldy dairy products. I’m trying to help him.” 

Akira gives him the stink eye. “A bit rich coming from the shoulder angel trying to poison his own human.”

The look that Goro gives him is full of genuine hurt and confusion. To Akira’s horror, he realizes that Goro is an actual idiot, rather than actively malevolent. There is no malicious bone in his body, nor is there a brain cell.

He’s going to march right to HQ the first chance he gets, ask for a meeting with Lavenza, and shake her until she agrees to give him a new partner. He supposes he can live without a kidney or a liver. 


End file.
